Think Before You Visit New York

I live in New York City, likely the most popular tourist destination in the country, if not the world. And one of the prime seasons to visit this city is the winter holiday season. It makes sense: come see the tree at Rockefeller, skate at the rink, have hot chocolate at Serenity, ooh and ah at the elaborate window displays at Bloomies, Macy's, et al, and ring in the New Year in Times Square.

Tourists for New Yorkers are a necessary evil. We understand that tourism is the second biggest driver of the the city's economy (the first is the world of finance) and we're at least somewhat grateful for your money. But oooh, we hate you as well, and it's your fault.

What you have to understand is that New York is a stage: a stage where everyone can see your genius ... or observe that there's some inbreeding and/or a tradition of pre-natal binge drinking in your family. And unfortunately, most tourists demonstrate the latter. I'd think you all should be able to figure the following things out on your own within an hour of your arrival, but the past two weeks have proven to me that this is decidedly not true. So here goes:

1. This is a working city. We do not exist just to provide you with the spectacle of a collective mass of humanity moving at random. On a weekday morning or evening, we're all rushing to get to work on time or get home after a long frustrating day, probably sleep deprived and cranky. So get out of our fucking way. Case in point: Wall Street and the financial district are places of work. Don't get irritated because I don't have the time or inclination to wait while you get grandma and the kids to pose just so and click off a snapshot of the family in front of the New York Stock Exchange. My boss expects me at my desk on time, and she doesn't accept "lousy stinking tourists" as an excuse for tardiness. So don't saunter anywhere in Manhattan at a snail's pace on a workday and expect any of us not to body check you and jam an elbow into your ribs if you're in our way. Don't believe me? Consider this: I shove or elbow a tourist out of my way about three to four times every week, and the route from the subway stop to my office is a straight line along Wall Street, which is guarded by large numbers of cops -- some in body armor, some carrying automatic weapons, and some in standard uniforms. These police officers see me and my fellow commuters manhandling the tourists, and they don't do a thing about it. Why? Because they understand. (Anyway why the hell do you want to visit the financial district anyway? All that's there are office buildings and bad overpriced restaurants. You can't really even visit the exchange like you used to, since the NYSE is deemed to be a prime terrorist target.)
2. New Yorkers move fast. There's a lot to do and not a lot of time to do it, and the city is a big place to have to navigate. Even on weekends, as soon as we walk out the doors of our overpriced abodes, we're immediately in fifth gear. Lead, follow, or get out of the way, baby. That's how we have fun. No matter who you are or what you do for a living, if you have time to vacation in New York City, it's overwhelmingly probable that a: you don't live here and b: you're not as busy as we are. Trust me -- I've lived in other major U.S. cities (Chicago, Boston) and visited a bunch of others. New Yorkers have busier lives than anyone else. So once again: move fast, or get out of our way. Think of the sidewalks like roads. Walk on the right, don't veer into the oncoming-traffic lanes, and move aside to let people pass. And we'll be fine.
3. Addendum to number two: We understand that New York is a "really really big place." It can be easy to get lost if you're not used to it, whether on the sidewalks or within the subway system. If you get lost, get out of the way, then get your bearings. To use the road analogy again, you wouldn't like it if I visited your hometown, got lost, and decided to just stop my car in the middle of the road to look for my map, struggle to unfold it, then try to find my way, would you? No! So why would you do it to us?
4. News flash: There are lots of people in New York. That means unless you made plans well in advance, you might not get seated right away in the restaurant of your choice. You might not even get seated at all. Last weekend -- the day before New Year's Eve -- a bunch of white trash sat down at a decent restaurant in Soho, a rather hip, happening area of town, grumbling that they couldn't get seats at the bar. Idiots: the only places in Soho that aren't crowded on a Friday night are either a: too exclusive for trash like you (or me) to get in, or b: too horrible to be worth anyone's time. New York is always crowded. Deal with it or get out. We owe you no special consideration, because if you don't like it, there's another tourist who's willing to pay good money for it.
5. Don't be a bigot. The same group of white trash proceeded to make anti-Semitic jokes. To be a bigot in arguably the most diverse city on earth is absolutely unthinkable, yet it happens. I'm not Jewish and I still wanted to kick their collective asses. And they wondered why their waitress gave them shitty service. You have to realize: disparage any group, whether by nationality, race, religion, sexual preference/orientation, or whatever, and you're probably insulting a friend, relative, or respected co-worker of at least two or three people within 10 feet of you. At least. And many of us are violent.
   
6. Foreign tourists: It's probably not a good idea to come here and disparage American culture, cuisine, or our government. We might even agree with you, but only we can insult our president and our bureaucracy. You're guests here, and it's rude to criticize your host, even if you're right. Besides, you should note that you're outnumbered, with no one to back you up. Sure, we as a country would loudly condemn anyone who beats the shit out of you, even if you did have it coming. But by then, your nice vacation would already be ruined. I also notice that those of you who like to sneer at U.S. culture often forget just who invented those comfy denim jeans you're wearing, or those Nike sneakers. And you forget that the rock music you love and the New York pizza and pastrami sandwiches you're inhaling like it's ambrosia are all American, too. So who are you to judge?

That's all. We understand that we're not perfect. But hey -- you chose to come here for a visit, so show a little courtesy. Because otherwise, not a single NYC resident will come to your defense if you're bodychecked, elbowed, shoved, or otherwise forcibly moved to a location that is more convenient for the rest of us. Even if that location is back where you came from.