Stupid Workout Gadgets

Whenever I go to the gym, I'm always astounded by the amount of oddly shaped contraptions that are supposed to help you become fitter and healthier. I realize that a small part of my disdain for these machines is simply a sublimated hatred that arises from feelings of inferiority engendered when I realize I have no idea how the machine is supposed to work.

But mostly, it boggles the mind as to how these people think these machines are necessary for them to get into better shape. "I haven't been able to work out lately because I haven't had time to go to the gym," I hear people say.

The fact is, most of the machines in a gym are relatively modern inventions, developed in the past couple decades. Before that, for thousands of years, people all over the world managed to become fitter -- stronger, tougher, and with more stamina -- than most chiseled gym rats today can ever hope to be with their so-called "modern" equipment.

Want to get in shape and stay there? In an ideal situation, here's what you need:

• A full barbell weight set (with clips or collars)
• Running shoes (and associated clothing)
• Pullup bar
• Ab wheel (basically a wheel with handles)
• and for variety, a jump rope and ...
  
• a heavy (70 pound) bag.

Those last two are optional.

As an alternative, I love using kettlebells.

Either option will give you a full strength, endurance, and cardiovascular workout.

And even that's being extravagant. You can get a full-body strength and cardio workout with nothing more than your bodyweight and a sturdy wall if you have to. Some people even say this is preferable to using weights, though I think there are limits to how far you can go with just your bodyweight.

Instead, the fitness industry and various financially compromised publications and medical professionals would have you believe that you need. I'm not even talking about the obvious gimmicks that are marketed on late-night infomercials. (No one really believed the thighmaster could be of any benefit, did they?) I'm talking about those Nautilus-style machines -- the ones with the elaborate wheels, gears, chains, and hydraulic pumps that resemble a predecessor to the Terminator. Guys pump themselves up on these things, then walk around flexing their empty muscles. But ask them to help you move a couch, and your realize that you would have been better off asking your wife to help. I'm not trying to insult my wife (because I don't have a death wish) -- but geez, I'd expect a guy who can press a stack of weights on the pec deck machine would be of more use than her ...

So please. Go to the gym, by all means. But don't use the stupid machines. In addition the equipment I mentioned above, the only things in a typical urban "health club" that are truly useful are:

• treadmills
• rowing machines
• saunas
• steam rooms
• eye-catching hot women in spandex or lycra -- motivational visualization can be very helpful
• -- unless you're a woman or you're gay, in which case you can stare at the muscular men

Basically, gyms are useless, and the sooner Americans realize that getting in shape is simply a matter of a healthy, regular dose of effort and beneficial misery, the sooner we can all stop wasting our collective shares of GNP on gym memberships.