What I'm reading

I used to love reading, but got out of the habit after I discovered booze and porn and anime and ... well, you get the picture. Recently I've begun reading for pleasure, and I do most of it during my weekday commutes. A book also comes in damn handy when you go shopping with your wife. Here's what I'm reading these days:

The Countess of Stanlein Restored, by Nicholas Delbanco. A short, well-photographed work that documents that complete restoration of the Countess of Stanlein (ex-Paganini) cello, considered the ultimate example of what a perfect cello should be. The cello was restored by New York-based luthier Rene Morel and owned by former Beaux Arts Trio cellist Bernard Greenhouse. Beautiful photographs, plus a quick primer on Antonio Stradivari. Though I'm a violinist whose intimately familiar with how string instruments work, I'm still finding this all very educational so far.

Me Talk Pretty One Day, by David Sedaris. A gift from my friend Yuki roughly five years ago, I finally got around to reading this, and wished I hadn't waited so long. This is a series of vignettes from the author's childhood and young adulthood, and it's fucking hilarious. Reading this on the subway has led to my convulsing in laughter, which has led to my fellow commuters giving me plenty of space -- an added benefit.

Beyond Taijiquan: The Supremacy of the Taiji Mind by Wong Choon Sing. Though the premise of this book -- a modern Taiji student, in a dream, meets a legendary Taiji master from ancient times and gets to learn the inner meaning behind the Taiji forms and their applications. Though the premise wears thin quickly and grows annoying -- the dialogue has the student constantly obsequiously asking, "But master, what does XYZ mean, and how does one abc," with the master "smiling beneficently" and responding, "That is a very good question. Many people do not understand that blah blah blah." Annoying, but the book does have good information. I found this book while browsing in a small Chinatown bookstore for something else, and it was going to be a gift to my cousin Stan. Now he's just going to have to wait a little while.

Feast of Crows by George R.R. Martin. The fifth gargantuan volume of Martin's A Song of Fire and Ice series continues the saga of the struggle for power in a fictional world. Though this is fantasy, all the characters are incredibly three dimensional and real, and the magic is not the focus of the story: the motivations, Machiavellian schemes and caprices of the characters are. This series is absolutely fantastic. I'm not kidding. Go read it all now.

Krakatoa, by Simon Winchester. A history of the events that led up to the eruption of Krakatoa, one of the deadliest volcanos in the past millenium, and how Krakatoa influenced the subsequent course of history on a widescale basis. It's slow going so far, but shows promise.

Five For ...

Everyone's heard of the freebie list: a short list of celebrities you are allowed to do if the opportunity <cough> arises, with no fear of consequences from your significant other.

(For the record, my top 5 list includes:

1. Charlize Theron
2. Brooke Burke
3. Laetitia Casta
4. Keira Knightley
5. Salma Hayek -- or maybe Michelle Yeoh)

But it's easy to pick a list of fantasy shags. They just have to look hot and be sexy. I mean -- look at the list above -- do I really need to explain the reasons for the five (six) women I chose? But what about lists of people you might like to share other expriences with?

For instance, here's the top five people I'd like have dinner with. Obviously, I've excluded people I actually know, since I actually can have dinner with them.

1. Anthony Bourdain The infamous chef and author of "Kitchen Confidential," Bourdain has since made a career of living my fantasy life: traveling the world and trying anything that has even the remotest chance of being great. And getting paid for it! I figure any meal with Tony has got to be great -- especially if I let him choose the place. This is a man who loves food of all sorts -- from the exotic to the comfortable, from haute cuisine to a simple burger or fresh boiled crab. Plus, he's profane, hard-drinking and absolutely hilarious.
2. Calvin Trillin Not a professional chef, yet one of the most enthusiastic eaters I've heard of -- while definitely an enthusiast of classic "chef" cooking, Trillin is better known for championing regional American specialties and ethnic delicacies at a time when everyone else thought the end-all be-all of great cooking began and ended within 10 miles of the Eiffel Tower. Things like Cajun crawfish boil, New England clambake, Southern fried chicken, true slow-smoked barbecue or funnel cake -- these are things that only locals and Trillin appreciated at the time. Trillin obsesses over food as much as I do, and he's a devotee of all that is artery clogging and wonderful.
3. Charlize Theron Forget the fact that she's hot. If her talk-show/interview persona is to be believed, this is a very cool woman with a wicked sense of humor and a penchant for large thick steaks, accompanied by proper martinis and followed by a fine cigar afterward. What better dinner companion could there be?
4. Jerome Bettis This might be a temporary pick. But it's "The Bus's" last season in the NFL, with the mighty Pittsburgh Steelers, and it's playoff season. He seems like a great guy, and you know a guy doesn't get that big in the midst of a career in a contact sport without knowing what to eat -- and being able to eat a lot. So that's a guy who's got to be a fun guy to share a meal with, as much for the company as for the enthusiasm I bet he brings to a well-set table.
5. Arnold Schwarzenegger, circa Pumping Iron If you've seen this movie, you've marveled at how much protein competitive bodybuilders eat in order to get all that muscle mass. I'm not into bodybuilding -- or even lifting weights -- but it'd be fun to see if I could keep up with them. Plus, Ah-nold and his training buddies seemed to be a group of fun guys.

And of course, another thing I like is having a drink or three. And while I'm not averse to drinking alone, the proper way to destroy your liver is as part of a team. My top picks for drinking are generally musicians and artistic types. Yes, porn is an art form.

1. Frank Sinatra. Ol' Blue Eyes. Not only a great and knowledgable singer and actor but a legendary favorite of beautiful women (even the man who gets his overflow would be a lucky man), Frank was also legendary for his all-night benders. He often threw parties and told his guests to bring their sunglasses, and many were the livers that were brought low in the company of the Chairman. Yes, Frank loved his Jack Daniels, and he knew how to drink it.
2. Dorothy Parker. A writer whose wit only sharpened with the addition with alcohol, Parker was known to deliver stinging one-liners such as: "Brevity is the soul of lingerie," "I've been too fucking busy, and vice versa," "Another drink and I'll be under the host." Excellent.
3. Kid Rock. First, you've got to realize that this man knows music. And one the best things to do when you're drinking is to listen to good music and talk about it, so right there, Kid Rock makes my list. Plus -- have you seen this man's music videos? Strippers, brawls, and lots of booze make for a good time, and from what I've heard, life does imitate art -- at least in this case.
4. Lao Tzu. The writer of the Tao Teh Ching, the seminal work of the Taoist philosophy, must surely have lots to say during a day and night of drinking, and Taoist sages are known for their habit of retiring from courtly life for a life in the forest drinking and writing poetry. Nice.
5. Jenna Jameson. Porn star extraordinaire. Now, mind you, though I'm not saying I don't think she's hot, the appeal here is her brassy, sex-obsessed persona. She's brash, funny, and earthy, and she chose a professional name due to her love for a certain Irish whiskey. Ideally, if I get a chance to get bombed with her, it'll be in a church so that we can have a good time not just by drinking and talking, but also by shocking the hell out of the pious and devout.

Finally, as a lifelong martial arts student, here's a list of five people I'd like to train with, if even for just a day:

1. Ip Man I'm primarily a wing chun stylist, and any wing chun practitioner knows that Ip Man is the father of modern-day wing chun. Wing chun is a compact martial art that stresses centerline attack and defense, economy of motion and proper positioning. Wing chun fighters develop contact reflexes that allow them to instantly perceive (through touch) their opponent's intended attack and to neutralize and aggressively counter it. In practice, wing chun is simple, direct and aggressive. The list of great fighters that he produced is huge, including such luminaries as Wong Shun Leung, Bruce Lee, and his son Ip Ching. So Ip Man has to go on this list.
2. Guo Yunshen Guo is one of the most famous documented masters of the Chinese martial art of Xingyiquan -- roughly translated as Form and Intention Fist. Xingyi is one of three major Chinese internal martial arts, and it is the oldest. All the internal arts focus on power generation through proper alignment of the body, with power coming simultaneously from the entire body; with internal arts, even muscles and tendons that most people never train to consciously control contribute to the issuing of power. Xingyi's usage of internal power is the most direct and aggressive; similar to a wing chun philosophy, xingyi fighters respond to an attack simply by choosing a different angle and driving in, attacking their opponents in shockingly jarring strikes until the job is done. Among Xingyi fighters, Guo Yunshen, was one of the most famous. He worked as a bounty hunter and a caravan guarder, and it was said that he could beat "all under heaven" with a single technique -- bengquan, the "crushing fist." (In truth, there were at least two fighters he failed to defeat, but he still had an impressive record!) Though a hot-headed fighter in his youth, in old age he mellowed and became known as a xingyi master with a deep understanding of the art.
3. Yin Fu The sister art of Xingyiquan is Baguazhang. It is also an internal art, but where Xingyi is direct and aggressive, Baguazhang practitioners believe in evasiveness used for disorientation; where Xingyi fighters prefer a straight-line attack, Bagua fighters prefer to evade and disorient an attacker, and then counterattack -- brutally. Yin Fu studied his art directly from its founder, and due to his previous training in striking styles, his interpretation naturally focused on strikes (my preference as well). Yin Fu's bagua is one of two major schools of Baguazhang, with the other being that of Cheng Tinghua, whose interpretation reflects the grappling and wrestling background from which he arose. Yin Fu was most famous as the imperial bodyguard of the Empress Dowager and a noted fighter.
4. Rolls Gracie. Today, the Gracies have proclaimed that Rickson Gracie is finest practitioner of the family art, also known as Brazilian jujitsu. Though I doubt his claim that he has never been defeated, but to watch Rickson in a match is to see power, fluidity, smoothness, flexibility and sensitivity in action. Yet, those who have seen Rickson, supposedly the best practicing today, generally agree that as good as he is, he's nothing compared to his teacher Rolls, whose understanding of his art led to many innovations and developments in BJJ. It can be said that Rolls invented half of what is taught as Gracie jujitsu today. Alas, Rolls died young in a hanggliding accident.
5. Angelo Dundee. This is the guy who trained Muhammad Ali and Sugar Ray Leonard. Need I say more? OK, here's more: when George Foreman -- who had lost to a Dundee-coached Ali in the "Rumble in the Jungle" came out of retirement, guess who he asked to train him?

So those are my top five lists. What about you?

But They're Soooo Pretty!

I develop one new obsession every six to nine months, and my latest one is watches. Mechanical watches, to be precise.

Most watches we see today are quartz watches. First developed and popularized by Seiko in the 1970s, these watches regulate time by passing electricity (supplied by a battery) into a quartz crystal, which vibrates at a very precise, set rate when given electrical current is applied. It's therefore fairly easy to create a microprocessor that parses these vibrations into precisely measured seconds; every set number of vibrations marks the passing of a second. Simple microprocessors are cheap and easy to create these days, and the resulting watch can be precise to within one to five seconds a month. Quartz mechanisms can be easily and cheaply mass produced, and thus, quartz watches are cheap, precise and reliable.

Mechanical watches, on the other time, keep time through a complex network of minuscule gears and levers. Those gears and levers are generally driven by a spring-loaded device that is typically powered by manual winding or an automatic winder, in which a very sensitive, off-balance lever moves everytime you move your wrist and thus winds up the spring. Think about it: these master craftsmen created device the size of ... well, a wristwatch ... that consists of hundreds of thin, precisely fit gears and perfectly balanced levers. It's hard to achieve precision in a mechanical watch. A lot factors will affect how that power spring unwinds and thus how precisely the gears tell time: gravity (a watch runs at different speeds depending on how it's positioned -- face up, face down, on one side or another, or moving clockwise or counterclockwise); whether the spring is fully wound up or nearly wound down; and temperature. One gold standard of quality in a mechanical watch movement is a loss or gain of no more than 4 to 6 seconds a day, regardless of position. Only the best (say, the top five percent) of watches fall within those specifications. Clearly, it's far more costly to create a good watch "movement," and that even the best ones can't come close to matching the precision of a quartz watch. There's something cool about knowing that this much skill and work went into a device you're wearing.

In addition to the artistry involved in a mechanical watch movement, mechanical watches are cool because they are far more uniquely and richly finished. Quartz watches are often put into cheap, mass produced cases, with cheap plastic crystals, with cheaply made folded sheet-metal bracelets or low-grade straps. The goal is a low production cost. (There are, of course, many quartz watches that are very very well made. But they're in the minority.)

But with a mechanical watch, the goal of a low production cost is already a moot point once a mechanical movement is involved, so watchmakers take the time to pay attention to the details. Solid metal links. Sapphire or mineral crystals that better resist scratching and cracks. Glass display backs. Screw-down crowns to increase water resistance. Detailed, precisely created dials and handcarved hands. No detail is omitted in a mechanical watch.

One watch idiot savant online puts it thusly: a mechanical watch is a beautiful work of art. A quartz watch is a cheap computer that just happens to tell time.

Having said that, here are the five current production watches on my wish list, from most expensive to least expensive:

1. Patek Philippe Gondolo Calendario (Model 5135G). Features: Self-winding movement. Tracks day, date, year and moon phases with leap year indicator. Minute repeater (can be set to ring a subtle bell every minute.) Individually hand-made movement. Estimated price: at least $28,900. Comments: Although this is not even close to being one of the world's most expensive watches, (even if we don't count -- and I don't -- count watches encrusted with jewels) Patek Philippe is THE standard in fine horology, and it's showpieces are it's grandes complications. This is the one I like. (To be honest, it's doubtful the wife will ever let me get this, even if someday we could easily afford it.)
2. Officine Panerai Luminor Marina Automatic 44mm (Model PAM00220). Features: Self-winding movement, sapphire crystal, personalized Panerai Op III (based on an ETA ebauche movement) movement. Extra-thick sapphire crystal, shockproof, 300 meters water resistant, unique, trademarked lever-based crown protector. COSC certification. List price: $5,900. Comments: Based on a design Panerai created for the Italian Navy, the Panerai is just beautiful and simple -- sleek and masculine, and a little retro. The Panerai is just another example of the genius and beauty of Italian design -- like Ferrari or Armani. However, Panerais have been discovered by some celebrities (Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham (OK, he's pretty cool), the Rock, and Hugh Grant are all big "Paneristi") so if they become the "in" thing, I may have to drop this watch, as much as I love it.
3. Kobold Phantom. Features: Screwed-in bracelet, countdown bezel, triple PVD black matte scratch-proof coating, dual shock protection systems, chronograph, Valjoux 7750 ebauche movement, extra-thick sapphire crystal. Cost: $4,550. Comments: First of all, this is a cool looking watch: all black, with a red hands for the sweep second and chronograph indicators. But then you realize that this watch was designed to precise specs of Green Berets and SWAT teams, and every feature has a function. The matte black coating makes the watch antireflective and is ultra scratch resistant because -- well, when you're a SWAT team member or a Green Beret, you'll do things that bang up your watch. Ditto for the shock resistant system and the sapphire crystal. The screw-locked bracelet is designed to keep your watch attached to your wrist, even during a life-or-death close-quarters combat situation. And the countdown number on the bezel is there to facilitate synchronized tactical attacks. Another cool thing about this watch: Kobold is based in Pittsburgh, PA. Gotta support a hometown boy ...
4. MarcelloC Nettuno 3 (black) (Model 2007.2). Features: Sapphire crystal, solid-link bracelet with divers extension. ETA 2824-2 movement. Cost: around $500. Comments: Basically, this a classic, practical, functional diver's watch that, like many others, is modeled on the classic Rolex Submariner divers watch. I've always liked the design -- it's classic, after all -- but hated the how overpriced Rolex is. Watch connoisseurs know that the value of a Rolex is not actually in the quality of the watch, but in its marketing. Rolex has artificially manipulated its market to the point where the point where you can pay $4,000 for a Rolex and it'll be worth it. But take away the Rolex name from the dial and bracelet, and this is an $800 watch -- at best. MarcelloC is just about as good -- as accurate, as well made, as luminous -- and yet, it costs one fifth the cost of its Rolex equivalent. Now it's true that the Rolex is a good deal more water resistant -- 1000 meters compared to 300 meters. But to be honest -- only the hardest core divers even go down to 300 meters or more, and when they do -- they rely on an electronic dive computer, not a watch. To choose a Rolex is basically like saying, "My favorite violinist is Itzhak Perlman" or "If you want a good college, try Harvard." It's the easy answer, and in all three cases, the image is greater than the substance involved. Itzhak Perlman isn't a very good violinist, Harvard isn't a very good college, and Rolex isn't a very good watch. But I digress.
5. Russian Army watch. Top example: Poljot Okeah. The features? Well, the movements are known to be reliable, and they carry with them a sense of history. Sure, they're not as renowned as the Swiss (or even the Japanese), but these are the watches that the Soviets wore as they suffered through harsh Russian winters and a draconian government and still managed to achieve great things.

Tapout

Probably the biggest trend or development in the martial arts scene in the past 15 years has been the rise in popularity and acceptance of Brazilian jujitsu and other ground grappling arts. These arts can definitely be an effective part of a mixed martial arts competitor's arsenal, and Brazilian jujitsu exponents have made a point of using this as proof that their art is also extremely street effective.

BJJ guys also have another element of proof: the Gracies claim that they have won hundreds of streetfights, and they focus on groundfighting tactics and techniques because based on these experiences, they have found that in their 90 percent of all fights go to the ground.

My previous doubts about these claims have always centered on the question of whether BJJ guys can effectively defend themselves in a real-life scenario: sparring in a pre-arranged fight or competition, no matter how few rule theres are, is not the same as a real fight where the other guy actively wants you to die, and will do anything to see your head on a platter.

But there's another thing to consider. Even if Brazilian jujitsu or whatever grappling style you used works just as planned, will it properly the problem at hand -- that is, keep the guy who wants to kill you from doing so?

BJJ guys boast that their art achieves the pinnacle of effectiveness: it allows a fighter to defend himself or herself without little or no harm to an attacker. In other words, BJJ is the humane fighting method. But the primary strategy of a BJJ guy goes as follows:

1. Close the gap
2. Take the guy down
3. Achieve superior position if possible
4. Apply a joint lock or choke hold that forces the attacker/combatant to submit or risk a broken limb or unconsciousness.

So the aim of the game is to get the other guy to submit.

So. What happens in a real fight after you get your opponent to submit? Well, you have three choices:

1. Continue to apply the lock or choke hold for all eternity, or until his buddies arrive to smash your head in while you're on the ground
2. Take the lock or hold that extra inch further, thus actually breaking the limb or rendering the guy unconscious -- which doesn't seem all that "humane" to me.
3. Believe this guy -- the guy who a moment ago was trying to put you in the hospital or the morgue -- when he says, "OK, I give up. Let me know and we'll just call it a day"

I'm not sure which option is the most preferable. But I'm pretty sure I'd rather keep it simple: knock the guy out and run.

Riposte

Let's be honest here: if you're a guy in a serious relationship with a woman, you have to resign yourself to the fact that you're often not going to get your way. It's a matter of picking your battles. If you insist on her leaving you alone for all of Super Bowl Sunday, for instance, resign yourself to losing the little battles for a month beforehand: where to go for dinner, what radio station you listen to in the car -- situations in which it only mildly annoys you not to get your own way. Yet, here's a nice little way to get some aggression out of your system.

I call it the fart-n-fluff.

Need I say more?

How I Know Reality TV Is Better Than Pro Wrestling

I realize that Reality TV and Pro Wrestling are not examples of the finest that American/Western culture has ever produced. In fact, they're pretty much down near the bottom. So why am I even indulging in this debate? Here's the situation:

I'm idly channel surfing on Thursday, and so meager are the pickings that I've started focusing on E!'s "101 Hottest Celebrity Bodies." But quick surf onto ABC shows ... George Hamilton? Cool, George Hamilton is hilarious, in a tanned, cheesy way. What's he doing?

A quick tab on the remote's "info" button shows me that I've inadvertently clicked onto "Dancing With the Stars." Oh god. I'm about the write off that channel for the night, and not because I hate ballroom dancing. While ballroom dancing as a whole has never really been able to hold my attention, I very much like Fred Astaire and Gene Kelly movies. They always feature a predictably saccharine plot, but they also feature gems from the American songbook, ingenious choreography, and either Fred moving like he can lighten his body mass and float on air, or Gene displaying an athletic grace and power that can be hypnotic. And no, I'm not gay.

But while I don't object to ballroom dancing, I do hate reality TV. The only one I watch is "The Ultimate Fighter," and even then it's for the final elimination match in each episode. So I'm about to hurriedly switch back to E! to see who owns the No. 9 hot celebrity body when I notice that aside from the Tanning God, the other contestants include blah blah blah blah Tia Carrere. Hello! You know her as the hot girl from Wayne's World and, like me, you probably recall something her as the lovely image on the right. So of course, being the pig that I am, I decide to keep an eye out. After all, in ballroom dancing competitions the women these days tend to wear some rather tight, slinky dresses.

So I'm flipping back and forth between E! and ABC and mostly ignoring the has-been B-list celebrities on ABC in favor of hot celebrity bodies. Ooh look, there's Charlize Theron looking lovely, and there on ABC is some guy who used to be an anchor on ESPN. Yeah, I picked Charlize too. To be fair, I'm noticing that when the celebrity contestant is male, the female professional invariably has some of the hottest legs I've ever seen -- firm, muscular and toned, but not too much so. Ooooh. Still, E! is winning.

But suddenly -- HOLY SHITBALLS! This woman comes on:


Now when I ogle a woman's body, it's usually her ass and legs I focus on, more than the tits (that's Stan's department (by which I mean he loves rubbernecking at the tits of every girl who walks past him on Boston's Newbury Street on a sunny summer day) (as opposed to implying that Stan has tits) (although he does, and they're pretty gross.)

But what really draws my attention, when it's visible, is a bare midriff. I love really firm taut abs, and this woman has the nicest abs I've ever seen. No doubt this is why her dress displays them so nicely. So I don't know who she is, but I leave the channel on ABC until it's done so I can hear who this magnificent specimen of womanhood is. Turns out that she's Stacy Keibler and she has a role on WCW wrestling -- you know, the woman of one of those wrestlers who occasionally gets into the ring herself to smash a prop chair over the head of the opponent of "her man."

Which brings me to the title of this post. Because WCW gets on the air so often, I'm sure that I've flipped past some WCW show while two women were doing something violent in skimpy trash outfits -- something that usually catches my eye -- but ignored it completely. Quite possibly I'd even seen Stacy in action before and ignored it. But when seeing her in action in a reality show, I'm willing to stop and watch.

And that's how I know reality TV, while bad, is better than pro wrestling.

P.S. Tia is still a beautiful, radiant woman, though not of the hot sex-me-up variety. The reason for this is that she just gave birth to a baby girl six weeks ago, and she now is beautiful in a radiant mother kind of way. I'm not kidding -- she was beautiful and made you smile. And she could be hot in that bend-her-over-on-the-hood-of-a-Porsche kind of way again someday, but it just seems wrong right now to think of such a radiant mother that way. No, I'm not kidding.

P.P.S. I had to do a search for the lovely Ms. Keibler. Turns out she's better known for her legs (and for good reason), and her body in general is outstanding. But the point is, check out those abs. Few things are sexier than taut bare abs on a woman, don't you agree?

Mea Culpa -- part II

By now, we know that the media, and I, got it wrong about the West Virginia mine tragedy. It now turns out that all of us, including the miners' families, were incorrectly told that of the 13 trapped miners, 12 had been found alive.

I don't think anyone has the words to describe what those families went through when they found out that the message had been garbled and that only one of them made it.

Shouldn't there be words that get a little closer to being adequate than, "We're sorry?"

Mea Culpa

I don't know who said it first, but I'll buy this: the most dangerous kind of man is a fanatic. And I'm not talking about the obvious examples either: the Islamic terrorist, the IRA freedom fighter, the anti-drug crusader. Fanaticism in any form can quickly turn you dangerous. Buddhists have been known to riot in some parts of Indonesia and do pretty despicable things, after all.

Then there's me. As a free-market economist by experience and education, I have always hated unions with a passion. And I'm generally right.

Unions generally exist for their own ends, dragging down perfectly fine businesses for their own ends without even helping the workers they purport to help. They are the enemies of efficiency. Take, for example, road construction crews. Did you ever notice that when you drive past a team of road construction workers -- all union, of course -- it's always a group of four or five guys, but only one of them is actually working? The other four stand around -- looking into space, grabbing their crotches, smoking a cigarette, whatever -- but doing nothing of use. Why are my tax dollars being wasted on these guys, I wonder?

And there's teacher's unions. Did you know we spend more money per student, even after accounting for inflation, than we did 20 and 30 years ago, and that most of that -- some estimates say 80 percent -- are just for teacher salaries? And yet student performance -- measured in terms of literacy or math competency -- falls every year, both in absolute terms and relative to other countries. Teachers work seven hours a day (a seven hour work day, minus an hour for lunch and one hour spent "monitoring" a study hall, but two hours spent grading papers) nine months a year, but get paid as much as many engineers and nurses. That's a sweet deal. But teacher's unions do their best to hide those facts from the public. Anytime we ask that a teacher prove that he or she knows the material he or she is expected to teach our children, or demosntrate some minimum level of teaching competency, to try a new method -- in short, they scream that "We don't care about the children." That's the union working against the public good.

And speaking of unions working against the public good, enough has been written and said by New Yorkers who had to slog through the cold when the city's subway and bus workers went on strike. Billions of dollars lost -- poor workers unable to get to work, and thus unable to get the money they needed to feed their kids. Mom and pop stores that might be forced to go out of business because no one could go shopping the week before Christmas -- the most important retail season of the year. All because the union thought it was reasonable in this day and age to insist on fully employer-funded health care, an employer-funded pension system that let you retire at age 55, salaries for unskilled laborers that broke the $50K mark, and yearly guaranteed raises of 10 percent.

So I think I'm justified in thinking that unions are the parasitic bane of society, and if allowed a continued existence, will destroy our society.

Then a mine explodes in West Virginia, and I remember that before unions existed, this kind of thing happened all the time. And miners were forced to work seven days a week, 12-15 hours a day, and there were no such things as safety standards. And the miners were effectively forced to rent overpriced, shabby company-owned housing and buy overpriced goods and food from company-owned stores -- none of which they could afford. Which meant that the miners had no chance of ever being out of the company's debt. It was legalized indentured servitude.

Today, 13 miners were trapped in a mine for 41 hours, and it made national -- perhaps worldwide -- headlines. Once upon a time, it would have been a fairly low-key day. As I write this, 12 of the miners have just been found alive, though one didn't make it. But there will be investigations. And outrage. And the miners will receive at least some recompensation.

That's thanks to unions.

Thanks to unions, JH, a very good friend of mine -- a guy who works harder than anyone I've ever met, and still finds time to be a great husband, father, and friend -- is able to negotiate a decent health care deal and a wage that lets him give his sons a chance to fulfill their potential.

And thanks to unions, P, another friend of mine, didn't go to bed hungry at night when she was a little girl because her dad couldn't always win the competition for scarce construction jobs.

So. Maybe all of us, even I, owe unions a little gratitude.

But I'm still fucking pissed off at the Transit Workers Union. May TWU President Roger Toussaint drown in a torrent of explosive elephant diarrhea.

Think Before You Visit New York

I live in New York City, likely the most popular tourist destination in the country, if not the world. And one of the prime seasons to visit this city is the winter holiday season. It makes sense: come see the tree at Rockefeller, skate at the rink, have hot chocolate at Serenity, ooh and ah at the elaborate window displays at Bloomies, Macy's, et al, and ring in the New Year in Times Square.

Tourists for New Yorkers are a necessary evil. We understand that tourism is the second biggest driver of the the city's economy (the first is the world of finance) and we're at least somewhat grateful for your money. But oooh, we hate you as well, and it's your fault.

What you have to understand is that New York is a stage: a stage where everyone can see your genius ... or observe that there's some inbreeding and/or a tradition of pre-natal binge drinking in your family. And unfortunately, most tourists demonstrate the latter. I'd think you all should be able to figure the following things out on your own within an hour of your arrival, but the past two weeks have proven to me that this is decidedly not true. So here goes:

1. This is a working city. We do not exist just to provide you with the spectacle of a collective mass of humanity moving at random. On a weekday morning or evening, we're all rushing to get to work on time or get home after a long frustrating day, probably sleep deprived and cranky. So get out of our fucking way. Case in point: Wall Street and the financial district are places of work. Don't get irritated because I don't have the time or inclination to wait while you get grandma and the kids to pose just so and click off a snapshot of the family in front of the New York Stock Exchange. My boss expects me at my desk on time, and she doesn't accept "lousy stinking tourists" as an excuse for tardiness. So don't saunter anywhere in Manhattan at a snail's pace on a workday and expect any of us not to body check you and jam an elbow into your ribs if you're in our way. Don't believe me? Consider this: I shove or elbow a tourist out of my way about three to four times every week, and the route from the subway stop to my office is a straight line along Wall Street, which is guarded by large numbers of cops -- some in body armor, some carrying automatic weapons, and some in standard uniforms. These police officers see me and my fellow commuters manhandling the tourists, and they don't do a thing about it. Why? Because they understand. (Anyway why the hell do you want to visit the financial district anyway? All that's there are office buildings and bad overpriced restaurants. You can't really even visit the exchange like you used to, since the NYSE is deemed to be a prime terrorist target.)
2. New Yorkers move fast. There's a lot to do and not a lot of time to do it, and the city is a big place to have to navigate. Even on weekends, as soon as we walk out the doors of our overpriced abodes, we're immediately in fifth gear. Lead, follow, or get out of the way, baby. That's how we have fun. No matter who you are or what you do for a living, if you have time to vacation in New York City, it's overwhelmingly probable that a: you don't live here and b: you're not as busy as we are. Trust me -- I've lived in other major U.S. cities (Chicago, Boston) and visited a bunch of others. New Yorkers have busier lives than anyone else. So once again: move fast, or get out of our way. Think of the sidewalks like roads. Walk on the right, don't veer into the oncoming-traffic lanes, and move aside to let people pass. And we'll be fine.
3. Addendum to number two: We understand that New York is a "really really big place." It can be easy to get lost if you're not used to it, whether on the sidewalks or within the subway system. If you get lost, get out of the way, then get your bearings. To use the road analogy again, you wouldn't like it if I visited your hometown, got lost, and decided to just stop my car in the middle of the road to look for my map, struggle to unfold it, then try to find my way, would you? No! So why would you do it to us?
4. News flash: There are lots of people in New York. That means unless you made plans well in advance, you might not get seated right away in the restaurant of your choice. You might not even get seated at all. Last weekend -- the day before New Year's Eve -- a bunch of white trash sat down at a decent restaurant in Soho, a rather hip, happening area of town, grumbling that they couldn't get seats at the bar. Idiots: the only places in Soho that aren't crowded on a Friday night are either a: too exclusive for trash like you (or me) to get in, or b: too horrible to be worth anyone's time. New York is always crowded. Deal with it or get out. We owe you no special consideration, because if you don't like it, there's another tourist who's willing to pay good money for it.
5. Don't be a bigot. The same group of white trash proceeded to make anti-Semitic jokes. To be a bigot in arguably the most diverse city on earth is absolutely unthinkable, yet it happens. I'm not Jewish and I still wanted to kick their collective asses. And they wondered why their waitress gave them shitty service. You have to realize: disparage any group, whether by nationality, race, religion, sexual preference/orientation, or whatever, and you're probably insulting a friend, relative, or respected co-worker of at least two or three people within 10 feet of you. At least. And many of us are violent.
   
6. Foreign tourists: It's probably not a good idea to come here and disparage American culture, cuisine, or our government. We might even agree with you, but only we can insult our president and our bureaucracy. You're guests here, and it's rude to criticize your host, even if you're right. Besides, you should note that you're outnumbered, with no one to back you up. Sure, we as a country would loudly condemn anyone who beats the shit out of you, even if you did have it coming. But by then, your nice vacation would already be ruined. I also notice that those of you who like to sneer at U.S. culture often forget just who invented those comfy denim jeans you're wearing, or those Nike sneakers. And you forget that the rock music you love and the New York pizza and pastrami sandwiches you're inhaling like it's ambrosia are all American, too. So who are you to judge?

That's all. We understand that we're not perfect. But hey -- you chose to come here for a visit, so show a little courtesy. Because otherwise, not a single NYC resident will come to your defense if you're bodychecked, elbowed, shoved, or otherwise forcibly moved to a location that is more convenient for the rest of us. Even if that location is back where you came from.