Emasculated, yet aroused

I don't think it's boasting or hubris to claim that my fitness level (or "general physical preparedness," as they might call it in the military, is at the 95th percentile of the general American population. In fact, I might even be a few points higher.

I've done a lot of work and research to get to this point. I started out with the types of workouts that you see in those useless mainstream fitness magazines like Men's Health and Men's Fitness. They're all the same, month after month. Three sets of 8 to 10 reps of [insert random exercise here], then 20-30 minutes on a treadmill or eliptical machine. Blah blah blah. Cosmetically, it's not too bad. I actually got a six pack doing this. But when I engaged in my sports of choice (martial arts, trail running. skiing), it made absolutely no difference in my performance. I wasn't any stronger or faster, and my endurance certainly didn't hold up. So. Back to the drawing board.

(Well, actually, disgusted with my results, I took some time off and went back to the funnest physical regimen ever: smoke, masturbate, drink, eat. Not necessarily in that order. But repeat often.)

But I'm vain and I missed my six pack. And so I discovered Matt Furey's Combat Conditioning system. Bodyweight calisthenics. The bodyweight provides resistance, but not so much that you can't do hundreds of reps. Pretty effective, and I could feel myself getting stronger and more balanced. It was practical power -- I could lift more things in real life, I could outmuscle my opponents more easily if needed, and I definitely had more energy. But I couldn't help noticing that Furey himself didn't look very ripped. I mean, no doubt he has practical strength and endurance, but he's kinda bloaty and funny looking.

Next stop: the physical regiment of Pavel Tsatsouline. Former Soviet special forces physical training instructor, cheesy sense of humor (a good thing in my world), promises practical strength and looks chiseled. Not big, but every muscle looks like it's made of high-tension steel cabling -- the type used to hold up suspension bridges. His weightlifting system's pretty great -- strength without mass, or strength with mass: he shows you both, and I can attest that they work. (Admittedly, I'm not all that big, but I gave it a try and saw results in just two weeks. It was kind of scary, and since I had just wanted to add a little mass, I stopped.)

And his kettlebells -- a better cardio and endurance workout than hill running (my previous favorite), without the shin splints and knee pain.

So for a long time, my workout has consisted of a combination of (mostly) kettlebell workouts interspersed with high rep bodyweight exercises used for active recovery in between sets. Works so well, that while I was training at Renzo Gracie's Brazilian jujitsu school, I could usually survive randori free-sparring matches simply by wearing my opponents out and outmuscling them. More than a few higher belts would roll with me for a while, then ask to stop because they were simply too tired to continue. (I admit that this the only thing that saved me; my BJJ techniques suck.)

But the other day, I discovered Crossfit. I won't even bother trying to explain their regimen. Let's just say they take Pavel and Furey's stuff, and ramp it up a few levels. You can check it out yourself. But what got me were these videos they had of a few of their "standard" workouts.

Check out the workout they call Fran. The guy is admittedly impressive. But take a look at the girl. Note that she is using 115 pounds when it comes to the barbell. Not that much for a 3x8 workout, but insane for the reps she pulls through this. And look at those goddamn pullups! I can't even come close to completing that workout, and I doubt most of us could. Certainly I don't think 95 percent of the players in the MLB could, and they're "professional." Hell, a lot of NFL linebackers would have trouble with this workout.

And lest you think Annie was an outlier, here's Annie with two other women doing an insane routine they call Nasty Girls. I don't know for sure, but I don't know that I can do those ring muscle-ups at all. I can do pull ups and dips, but that transition is incredibly hard.

I like strong women. I like fit women. I'm aware that there are women who are more fit -- stronger, faster, more flexible, etc. than I am. But I've never seen women who could dominate me (not in that kinky way, pervert) so thoroughly. It's a bit emasculating. Yet, these girls are hot. Weird paradox.