My Honor Has Been Besmirched

... and somebody's gonna pay for this vicious lie ...

Sorry, Tony -- and everyone else ...

As Tony Bennett turned 80, the many fetes and ceremonies honoring his contributions to American music have given me an opportunity to revisit his body of work. Years ago, when I was first discovering the great American standards, it was through Frank Sinatra. A book celebrating ol’ Blue Eyes’ ring-a-ding-ding lifestyle and his unique take on what it means to be a man, combined with my fully developed interest in jazz (and the revelation that most great jazz musicians list Sinatra as their favorite vocalist) led to a detailed exploration of his music. (Frank Sinatra represents both the best and the worst of the American male archetype.)

With this Sinatra focus, I soon explored other singers of repute: Dean Martin, Sammy, Perry Como … and Tony Bennett. With my fixation on all thing Frank, however, Tony could not help but to compare badly. Not because he was an inferior musician (I recognized in hindsight) but because his style was so very, very different than Frank’s. Frank’s singing is either dark, moody and soulful, or cocky, swinging and just a little dangerous. It’s a reflection of what he himself called his “24-carat manic depressive” personality. Tony, however, is a lot smoother, lyrical, elegiac. Where Frank is swinging and strutting, Tony exudes a warm, happy relaxed summer day. When Frank is dark and moody and deep in his cups, Tony is nostalgic, reminiscent and maybe just a little be melancholic.

While deep in my Sinatra phase, I declared that Tony Bennett was “shit” and that, “I have more talent in my fingernail than he has in his entire body.”

I know better, of course. But that the full realization of how wrong I was has led me to review a list of other things about which I was not just a little off-base, but completely, totally and catastrophically mistaken. Painful though it may be, here are some actual quotes, uttered before or after one big gaffe or another:

• “Of course I know how to wrap explosion-proof potstickers. I’m Chinese, this is a Chinese dish, it’s genetically hardwired into my system!”
• “You’re right, your sister’s fast asleep. If we’re quiet and make it a quicky, she’ll never hear us!”
• “You’re right, I don’t hear your dad downstairs. He must have stepped out …” (same girl as above)
• “Chinatown is this way! Trust me, I can find any large concentration of my own people instinctively.”
• "I'm telling you--Charlize Theron wants me!"
  
• “This karaoke bar looks suspiciously like a brothel. But let’s have a round of beers before we leave …”
• “Sure, I can punch through this window!”
• “We can drink Jameson with her no problem … sure she can drink, but she’s five shots ahead of us …”
• “No, we don’t need ice for our sore pussies!” (two hours later)
• “Of course handsome George Clooney doesn’t mind if we hang out near his house …”

And of course, the quote everyone’s uttered at one time or another: “Sure, I can have another drink!”