The Boyfriend Trouser: Clearly Not In the Game

So. At Yesterday's Salad, the concept of the "Boyfriend Trouser," a new Gap product for women, is stirring strong emotions -- and silly discussions.

But let's take the concept seriously. Why does Gap think the "Boyfriend Trouser" is a product women will want?

Is it because women like to commandeer the clothing of the men in their lives for themselves? From what I can tell, the thought process must've gone something like this: "Women steal boxer shorts, dress shirts, T-shirts, and even suit jackets, so often that they're now buying women's versions of these items. Therefore, I bet they probably steal men's trousers while we're not looking, and I bet, if we just made a feminine version of them, they'd buy those, too!"

But the marketing geniuses at the Gap are missing two key points. First the obvious: they've making a feminine version of men's pants for years. They're called--women's pants. Go figure.

But here's the less obvious one--women have never stolen the pants of their significant others, and there's a reason why: They look silly in them.

In contrast, when a guy sees his girlfriend or wife wearing one of his dress shirts, it causes a primal reaction.

For a guy, a dress shirt and a suit are his modern-day suit of armor. In medieval times, before a knight went to work, he put on his armor. "Avast, ye mateys! I'm off to storm the castle!" That's the message that a guy is subconsciously sending out every morning when he puts on a dress shirt. Sure, I've mixed pirate and knight expressions, but you get the point.

So when he suddenly sees his "armor" on his wife or girlfriend, it's a bit of a shock. It's suddenly not warlike. It's ... wow, she left a few extra buttons undone! If I squint, I can see ... whoa! And look, there's something missing, where are the pants ... wait, DOUBLE WHOA!

The dress-shirt effect was immortalized in the tragically short-lived TV series, Sports Night, in the episode "Shoe Money Tonight. Jeremy, who was just proven to be in the right and was clearly about to win an argument with his girlfriend, Natalie, has the tables neatly turned on him:

Jeremy: Natalie, I think it's best if we spend tonight apart.
Natalie: You're probably right. I've got no clothes at your place anyway, so I'd just end up having to wear one of your shirts, and I know how much you hate that.
(Long pause as she stares innocently up at him)
Jeremy: (slapping the table) I was never even in the game!
Natalie: (jumping up) Good night, everybody!

You get the idea.

A somewhat softer, yet still pleasant effect, can be seen when a girl steals her boyfriend's T-shirt. Soft, swaying swishiness, all that glorious exposed leg ... Yowza.

And when a woman steals a man's suit jacket? It sends a message to the world. It says, "Yes, I am wearing something so skimpy underneath this, that my body is chilled (and my nipples are hard.) That's why I need to borrow this chivalrous gentleman's suit coat."

But if a woman were to wear my pants, what it would say to me is, "My ass and my waistline are so humongous, I can't even find women's pants big enough to fit me -- I have to wear a man's pants."

And I'm sorry, but most men don't like their women ginormous. That's why the "Boyfriend Trouser" is such a stupid idea.