Apologies to my gay friends

"What are you, gay?!!!" - me responding to my cousin's revelation that he likes 'N Sync

"Are you gay or something?!!!" - me responding to the same cousin's describing the movie "13 Going On 30" as a "good movie"

As offensive and disturbed of a man as I might be, I've never had an ounce of homophobia in my body. Not once. I suppose this has to do with a childhood spent around talented musicians, many of whom were openly gay -- even in a time when it wasn't that socially acceptable to be homosexual. Being a bit innocent, it simply didn't occur to me to be afraid of these different, but talented and nice people, and once I got to know them, I would never be homophobic again.

Which is why you should believe me when I tell you that I didn't mean those remarks to my cousin to be homophobic insults. But I did mean them to be insults in that I questioned his masculinity. (I still do. And sometimes, I really do think he might be gay. No matter how many times he insists on e-mailing me to report that, "See, I like girls.")

In truth, the true insult in those comments was to imply that a gay man might like 'N Sync or a bad Jennifer Garner movie. In truth, no one but a bonehead would like those things. (My cousin is brilliant in many ways -- prize-winning MIT grad, solid understanding of undergraduate level math at the age of 17, made me a pair of kick-ass speakers from scratch just for fun, etc. -- yet incredibly dumb in others. (No, it's NOT a good idea to try to bake brownies in a rice cooker, you moron!)) So to my gay friends -- I sincerely apologize.

But I do have to wonder: I've heard other friends make the term "gay" or some cruder synonym out to be an insult and a questioning of one's masculinity, even when I knew they didn't mean to be homophobic. It's still considered by many a man who claims not to be homophobic to be an insult to be called gay -- as if that makes him less of a man.

One friend has never drank a White Russian in my presence again, ever since I innocently mentioned that back in my bartending days, we just assumed that a man ordering a White Russian or a White Zinfandel was gay. (In the same token, we assumed that red wine meant "snob," Bud Light meant "redneck" and single malt scotch meant "loaded corporate/yuppie stooge") I've been meaning to tell him that a truly standup man's man would have looked me in the eye and said, "Whatever" before ordering a second White Russian.

So what is it that defines a man? I can only conclude that a man is a guy who realizes stupid shit like that doesn't matter -- that if it gives him enjoyment, that's what counts. Life's too short to limit yourself just because of a fear of what others might think. So as a happily married (yes, to a woman) man, I will happily admit that although I love football, barbecue, and PBR, I also love musicals and showtunes, obsess over my hair, watch and enjoy "Gilmore Girls," and eat quiche. So be it.

Of course, that's easy for me to say. I can probably beat the shit out of you if you make too big a deal out of all this.

P.S. And to my cousin "CC," I still think you might be gay. Not because you like NSync and girly movies -- that just means you have bad taste -- but just because ... I mean, look at your moniker, for god's sake!