I'm the Master of the Universe: Have a Tip

Do all people who work in a vaguely finance-/financial services-related field have conversations like this? Or is it just me?

Mom: So, do you have any investments you can recommend?

Me: I don’t know, mom, I haven’t had time lately to really keep up with the markets?

Mom: You don’t know what’s going on in the stock market? What about ObscureCo? Do you think it will rise above 40?

Me: I’ve never heard of ObscureCo, mom. If have time this week, I’ll look it up. [translation: if I get bored with eating, having sex with my wife, watching kung fu movies, reading comics, drinking, walking around, looking up watches, and eating some more, and I’ve had my second nap of the day and there’s nothing good on TV, I’ll look it up.]

Mom: You haven’t heard of ObscureCo? But you work on Wall Street!

Me: Actually, I don’t work on Wall Street anymore, mom, but even when I did, I was a writer, not an analyst or an investment banker.

Mom: Oh, but you said your firm still works with investment banks.

Me: Yes, we do their marketing. We work with them. We don’t do investments.

Mom: But don’t you have to know about every stock in existence?

Me: No mom, I’m a marketing writer, not an investment banker or a stock analyst. Not that I would necessarily know about ObscureCo even if I was an I-banker.

Mom: But you must hear “things” at work. Couldn’t you tell me what’s going to happen?

Me: I work in marketing, mom. I don’t mastermind hostile takeovers or orchestrate IPOs.

Mom: Come on, you expect me to believe that? You can tell me! I won’t tell anyone! [translation: I will tell everyone. I will tell our relatives before I buy the stock, and if your tip pans out, I will brag about how my son gave me an insider tip that made me and our relatives thousands – millions. Then I will wonder why my son refuses to take my calls after his arrest.]

Me: Look mom, even if I did hear something, it would be illegal for me to tell you. That’s insider trading.

Mom: But what do you talk about with your coworkers around the water cooler?

Me: [mumbling] Jenna Jameson's titties and fart jokes, mostly.

Mom: What was that?

Me: Nothing.

Mom: What?

Me: What?

Mom: What did you say?

Me: Huh? What? Hello?

Mom: …

Me: …

Mom: So come on, tell me something. What do you recommend?

Me: Aargh! I told you mom! I don’t recommend anything!

Mom: Oh, so you think the market’s going to crash?

Me: I told you mom, I don’t know! Your guess is as good as mine!

Mom: [tremblingly, quietly] I don’t know why you won’t tell me. I just want to make a little money. I just want to have a little something to leave to you and Wife when I’m gone. Is that so bad? I’m not hurting anyone. It's not like I'm asking you to cut your arm off ...

Me: Damnit, I can’t tell you anything because I have no opinion of the market whatsoever!! I have no opinion of any stock whatsoever. If you want me to make a recommendation, buy some Diageo! They sell booze, and my friends like to drink a lot and get drunk, so it stands to reason they’ll make money! Buy Poop-Be-Gone! I stepped in some goddamn fucking dogshit yesterday and I'd love an easy way to get rid of the stench! All I know is that stepping in dog shit was goddamn less irritating than this conversation is right now!

Mom: OK, OK, calm down. Why are you always yelling at me? If you don’t know about ObscureCo, just say so.

Me: Fine, sorry, sorry.

Mom: So what about Miscellaneous Inc.? Do you think it might fall?

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