Passover Lessons

If there's one thing I hate more than unions, its organized religion. So you can see why it was with some trepidation that I accepted my friend Josh's invitation this week to a Passover Seder. I tend to mouth off and say completely offensive and inappropriate things all the time, including times when I don't necessarily mean to, and since he informed me that Passover would involve drinking four glasses of wine (at least), I imagined that after that fourth glass, something completely wrong would come out of my mouth:

• "So, where are the pork chops?"
• "Now that that's done, you know what be great? Fetish porn!"
• "Or we could just make some porn with you girls right now! Anyone here have a camcorder?"

As it turns out, I managed to complete the evening without offending anyone. I think. I haven't talked to my host since then, and while it's likely that he's simply loaded down with work, it's also possible that Josh has decided to pretend he never met me.

But here's what I learned while attending my first Passover Seder:

• I don't care which New York deli you've visited, you haven't lived until you had a homemade version of matzo ball soup
• The Manischewitz family has much to atone for. That wine is horrible.
  
• The Seder, essentially a combination of a Jewish meal along with religious ritual and education all rolled into one, is quite beautiful. It's good to see people honoring their traditions and commemorating their history and trying to make the lessons within relevant to today's life. If all practices in Judaism are as heartwarming, meaningful and not-cloying as this one, it wouldn't be such a bad religion. Not like, say, Catholicism, which advocates child molestation, pedophilia and the practice of stuffing coathangers up women's cunts and rooting around. I'm talking about you, El Salvador.
  
• Of couse, I might have found the Seder more heartwarming simply because I was drinking so heavily throughout it. That's a clever tactic by whoever came up with the customs of a Seder. Get'em drunk and they'll be more receptive to sentimentality. Or maybe the excessive drinking is just Josh's contribution to the whole thing.
  
• There's a little symbol that you can find on wine labels that signifies kosherness. Is that a word? Anyway, just a random fact that isn't that useful to me, but I like random facts.
• Slivovitz is horrible, just horrible. It's a (kosher, of course) Hungarian plum brandy that has a turpentine-y taste that adds to a Manischewitz hangover and makes you nauseous because as you sweat the next day, that Slivovitz scent oozes out of your pores, making you smell like a hobo who's been boozing on ... well, turpentine. It was, on Josh's suggestion, my contribution to the evening.
  

It turns out that I did, in fact, make a joke about pork, now that I think about it. Something about how this was all very beautiful (I was quite drunk) and I'd consider converting (I said, I was drunk) if it weren't for that no-pork rule. At which point I was told that Reformist Jews do, in fact, allow the eating of pork. I wonder how they feel about crab and lobster.

And I did, in fact, learn something else that's useful. As I do whenever I'm in NYC and the subject of Judaism comes up, I ask those present about whether they know of a truly old-school Jewish deli that still serves schmaltz as a condiment or appetizer. As a condiment, schmaltz is an herbed, liquified chicken fat that you (I've heard) use in much the same way you might pour gravy on mashed potatoes or ketchup on a sandwich; as an appetizer, it is chicken skin wrapped around a little ball of spiced chicken fat, that is then deep fried. Oh sweet imagined rapture! Until now, my queries have been unsuccessful -- in fact, few people even know what I'm talking about. But this time, a girl at the dinner told me that one such place does exist, just west of Times Square in a hotel restaurant, of all places! I can't remember where she said it was exactly (one more time: I was drunk), but I can always call Josh and ask him to ask her.

Plus, Josh said he needs to get laid and since she was pretty cute, this gives him an excuse to call her up again.

It occurs to me that perhaps this Seder involved more drinking that was strictly necessary (though I was assured that four full glasses of wine are mandatory for all adults, regardless) since Josh and many of his guests were of college age. (There were a couple guests who had been in the post-college working world for a while, but mostly these were collegiates.) But it was nevertheless great.