Either the Germans Are Insane, or Rolex is a Major Ripoff

If you hadn't already guessed, this post is about watches, so if you're not interested, then just surf somewhere else.

So since the last time I blogged about my wristwatch obsession, my opinions have changed a little bit. I no longer have a wishlist of watches, because I realized that what I currently wear now is actually as good as most of the mid-priced watches that were once on my list. But more on that later.

The point is, even though I have no intention of blowing a whole bunch of money on a watch collection, I still keep an eye out on what's out there, browsing the forums and all that. Watches are cool. But with the exception of my "holy grail" watch, nothing ever strikes me as being so cool as to make me want to trade in my beloved Seiko Black Monster for it.

Still, occasionally, something comes up that blows my mind. The UTS Professional Divers' watch for instance. This is a watch made by a German engineer who became a watch enthusiast.

The thing about the Germans is that once they get into any hobby, they really really get into it. For instance, take birdwatching. In the United States, being a birdwatcher means that you might take a trip into a local forest where you know a certain type of beautiful bird is likely to be seen on the weekends. You'll set up a little base camp, pull out your binoculars, and try to spot as many cool species of birds as you can. But a German birdwatcher will often target a single bird -- not a species, mind you, but a single bird. He'll catch it, put a radio tag on its leg, and set it free. And then he'll spend the entire next year following it. Not just on the weekends. No, he'll suspend his life -- work, family, non bird-watching friends -- and follow Tweetie around.

Or take the martial arts. In most parts of the world, getting into the martial arts on a casual basis means that you find a school you like -- usually located in a cheap storefront or in a slightly rehabbed warehouse or some guy's garage. You go into class to train two to four times a week for a couple hours each time, and maybe you practice at home if you have a spare moment. (Unless you decide to go professional and become a full-time teacher or competitor, anyway.) But German practitioners of wing chun built a castle. And they will often spend months on end living there and training day in and day out. Not because they're going to be professional teachers or fighters or anything. But just because.

That German tendency to take their hobbies to the level of goddamn insanity is what has brought Herr Spinner to create the UTS-Munchen company, and in particular, the UTS Professional Diver.

A good-quality automatic divers watch generally combines a solid, dependable automatic watch movement (the gears and powering mechanism that actually make the hands keep time) with a uni-directional bezel for keeping track of elapsed time/air supply; and features meant to make the watch able to stand the huge external pressure it will be exposed to on a scuba dive (hardened scratch-resistant crystal; thick, solid steel case; screw-down crown). Most watches are considered good recreational divers watches if they are rated for depths of 200 meters (660 feet). This is well beyond the depth of any recreational dive (generally 100-200 feet), so the extra is for safety.

If you are a professional diver, in that you expect to go deeper to work on -- for instance -- underwater oil rigs, you might wear a watch rated up to 1000 meters. It's not that you'll go that deep. But you'll probably go below 600 feet, so you want your watch to be rated far more highly.

The UTS Professional Diver goes to 3,000 meters. That's nearly 10,000 feet -- close to two miles below the ocean's surface. I know of submarines that don't go that far down! What the fuck! In order to withstand such pressures, the case on this watch is made of such thickened steel that it's grown to a monstrous 16 milimeters thick -- over 0.62 inches, and with the solid steel-link bracelet, weighs almost half a pound. Doesn't seem that heavy until you remember that this is like having the weight of two Quarter Pounders strapped to your wrist. It's absolutely absurd, and yet it's just another example of German enthusiasm run totally amok.

I won't bore you with the rest of the watch's specs, which are all just about as insane as the case specifications. But the price for this monstrosity, this pinnacle of horological ruggedness and functionality -- and this brings me to the second point of this post, is $3,400.

A Rolex Submariner is $6,0o0. You know what the Submariner looks like -- even if you're not into watches. It's what you think of when you think of a dive watch. So you have to ask: is the Submariner nearly twice as good as the UTS?

The UTS has a movement that keeps time just as precisely; it's just as readable in the dark. However, the bezel is safer and more functional for divers, and its far more rugged. Oh yeah -- it goes 10 times as deep. Now I'm not saying you need all that. But if you can get all that for almost half of what you'd pay for a Rolex, why wouldn't you?

For that matter, let's take my watch, the Black Monster. The Monster is NOT as good a watch as a Rolex. It's only rated to 200 meters, as opposed to Rolex's 300 meters. The crystal is not the coveted, highly scratch resistant synthetic sapphire, but instead it's a patented mineral crystal formulation that comes pretty close. (For about $65, there are guys who can replace the stock crystal with a sapphire crystal just like the Rolex's). BUT. The Monster's bracelet is often rated as better -- more solid, more comfortable, more dependable. Its luminosity in low light conditions is universally acknowledged as brighter than Rolex's. Its diving bezel is about as good. And while it doesn't keep time quite as accurately as Rolex, it can be made to do so with just $50 and a week or two at a good watchmaker. And the best part? The Black Monster costs about 3 percent of what the stainless steel Rolex Submariner would cost. So nevermind whether or not the Rolex Submariner is a better buy than the UTS diver. It's not nearly as good a buy as the Seiko Black Monster, which costs 97 percent less but is at least 85 percent as good of a watch.

And if I chose to send my beloved Monster for a few custom mods, it would cost me about $120. Total cost for the revved up Black Monster: $300. That's five percent of what the Rolex costs. Yet mine would be as good or better in every way but one.

The only thing Rolex has going for it is an artificially inflated image. Let's face it: Rolex is the Britney Spears of watches. It's kinda nice looking, but once you look more closely, you realize that it's all hype and PR.

So are the Germans insane, or is Rolex a major ripoff?

Yes. And that's the last I'll ever have to say on wrist watches. Possibly.